


a date with disaster (or, the time steve essentially whored himself out on national tv to pay his rent)

by quellthefire



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Artist Steve Rogers, Basically every bad date trope ever, Bucky is a well meaning asshole, Disaster Date, Disaster date tv show, Doctoral Student Tony Stark, Fluffy Ending, Good guy Steve Rogers, Happy Ending, M/M, Panic Attack, Reality TV, Steve and Tony are both broke, Tony got cut off by Howard, Victor Von Doom is a skeezy reality tv host who is way too into the schadenfreude of it all, and is just trying to pay his tuition to finish school, art history nerds, they're totally soulmates, who signs Steve up for a shitty reality tv show to help him pay his bills
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 18:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19323337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quellthefire/pseuds/quellthefire
Summary: Steve's been having a hard time finding freelance work, so Bucky signs him up for a reality dating show to earn some extra cash. Little does Steve know that this is going to be the worst date he could possibly imagine, on purpose.





	a date with disaster (or, the time steve essentially whored himself out on national tv to pay his rent)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Serinah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serinah/gifts).



> Based on the plot prompt: "Disaster date AU: Steve thinks that he's set up with a nice guy, but Bucky actually got him a candid camera show. Tony is a starving student (Howard is a dick) who plays the most hideous date ever."
> 
> This was totally outside my comfort zone, but I had so much fun writing this. I really hope y'all enjoy it!

_“Welcome back to A Date With Disaster! America’s favorite dating show with a disruptive twist! I’m your host, Victor Von Doom, are you ready to watch another disastrous date unfold?”_

_The studio crowd cheered and hollered, eager to see what this episode’s date would entail._

_“I’m glad to hear we’ve got a lively bunch tonight,” Von Doom grinned rather unkindly, his emerald green suit was striking against the silver backdrop. “And we’ve got quite the treat for you on this episode! From Brooklyn, New York, Steve Rogers is a 26 year old professional artist who was nominated by his best friend Bucky. Not so sure they’ll still be friends after what we’re about to put him through!” He leered again at the camera, teeth glimmering menacingly. The crowd ate it up. ”As always, our contestant thinks they’re on a regular old dating show to meet a new potential love. Little do they know they’re on A Date With Disaster, and that their date is going to be absolutely awful! The longer that Steve can stick it out, the more money he’ll end up winning, but that’s only if he can handle what we’ve got planned. Let’s check in with our love birds now.”_

A little French bistro appeared on screen, and the camera zoomed in on a nervous looking blonde man. He was tall and incredibly well built. Classic American looks and perfect muscles that looked impossible for any man to have. He checked his watch again, clearly annoyed with having to wait. 

Steve pulled out his phone, glanced at the message from Bucky wishing him luck, and sighed. He put it back in his pocket and settled into in his stiff wire chair. It was comically too small for him. Little did he know that one of the reasons this location had been chosen because he was such a big guy and their chairs were spindly and uncomfortable. 

Steve had been waiting on his date for 45 minutes, and he would have left by now if not for the camera crew that was there to film the show Bucky had signed him up for. Bucky was forever trying to get Steve to go on dates, so he supposed this was inevitable. ‘There’s only so many Saturday nights you can spend alone sketching and watching The Office reruns until your best friend tries to set you up on national television,’ he thought. Still, being on the show came with a pretty sizable cash prize, and he’d been struggling to find freelance jobs this month, so he wasn’t going to be too picky about how he paid rent. He just had to get through this date, let them air it on some cheesy show about modern romance, and he’d be set. The producers had been very clear about the fact that he’d need to stay through the whole date to get the money though. They’d had some issues with people trying to bow out 10 minutes in, still expecting the cash, they’d said. It made sense. Besides, how bad could a blind date be?

Although to be fair, this one was already starting off rough. The camera people seemed irritated to be standing around not able to film any usable material, but one of the production assistants had insisted that his date, Tony, would be there shortly. Apparently he’d gotten mixed up on the time and was rushing to arrive. Steve briefly considered asking if he could just go home, but he really needed the cash, and it was getting towards the end of the month.

He shifted again in the ornamental chair. It was starting to dig into his lower back and he wondered if he could ask the wait staff for a different one. 

Just as he was considering texting Bucky an update, the door burst open and he turned to see a dark haired man stumble in, clearly disheveled. He was shorter and leaner than Steve, with a carefully manicured goatee and mustache, maybe a couple years younger than him. His clothes were rumpled, but clearly much more expensive than anything Steve owned. His flashy sneakers and big sunglasses were probably worth far more than the rent money he was doing this show for. 

Steve wouldn’t have normally picked this guy for a date, all show and no substance, he assumed. But there was something charming about the way Tony grinned sheepishly as he took off his sunglasses and sat in the chair opposite Steve. It was somehow cocky and shy in the same look, and Steve found himself suddenly a little more interested in the date. It also didn’t hurt that this Tony guy was incredibly hot, with his slim muscles and deep brown eyes.

“Hi, I’m Steve, nice to meet you.” He stuck out his hand, trying to hide his previous annoyance with a kind smile. No use in mentioning Tony’s tardiness, he might as well make the most out of the situation they were in. “This is kinda weird for me, have you done this before?”

Tony paused, seemed to contemplate Steve’s outstretched hand for a moment, then shook it, smiling in return. “No, it’s my first time too, looking for love on national TV, I mean.” He blushed a little, which only made Steve find him more attractive. “What made you wanna do this show?”

Steve had considered how he’d answer if Tony asked that question, and he’d settled on the truth, so he explained how Bucky had signed him up for it because he knew it had been a lean couple of months commission-wise and his savings account was drying up. 

Tony laughed and said he understood that; that he was a PhD student at MIT and needed money for school. He grimaced, and Steve could tell there was a deeper story behind that. They talked for a bit about Steve’s art and Tony’s studies, and he was delighted to find out that Tony was just as interested in art history as he was, though their specific areas of interest were different. Steve was a big fan of the Impressionists and Baroque painters, whereas Tony knew about architecture and modern art. Still, it was nice to find out they had things in common.

Tony was funny and incredibly smart. He somehow managed to toe the line between cocky and self deprecating in a way that Steve knew there was more to him than he usually let the world see. He spoke passionately about his research and wanting to change the world for the better.

Tony told him about his current designs for a clean energy source, and just as Steve was in the middle of asking him about when it would go into its testing phase, a rather bizarre expression came over Tony’s face. It was almost as if he was listening to someone Steve couldn’t hear. His eyes went distant, and he glanced nervously at Steve before zoning out again for a moment. Steve didn’t know what had just happened, but maybe Tony was just as nervous as he was, he reasoned.

Tony shifted awkwardly, his body language suddenly disinterested and casual. He glanced again at Steve, “What was that? I wasn’t paying attention.” His tone had gone distant and irritated, and he looked away quickly, studying a potted fern to his left.

Steve bristled a bit at that, they hadn’t even ordered yet, and this guy had more than made up for the initial bad impression, but that was just downright rude.

He repeated the question, and Tony gave a clipped response, looking annoyed, but there was also something Steve couldn’t quite place. A shade of embarrassment perhaps? 

He tried asking Tony another question, only to be met with silence and an eye roll. Tony wouldn’t meet his eyes, and Steve wondered if he’d said something to offend him. 

He sat there awkwardly, letting the moment stretch out into unbearable silence. Steve fiddled with the wrapper from his straw, cleared his throat, and glanced at Tony again. The man across the table from him looked tense. There was an almost strained expression on his face, like he was torn between two choices, Steve thought. 

“Hey.” he said softly. “I’m sorry if I upset you. I thought we were having a nice time, but I feel like I did something wrong perhaps?” Steve could feel his face heating up as he spoke the quiet words. He really had been having a great time with Tony, had even forgotten about the cameras and production staff for a while there.

Tony opened his mouth to speak, then paused, looked like he was concentrating on unspoken words again, and grimaced slightly. His eyes darted to Steve’s once again, and Steve could see a similar blush creeping onto Tony’s face as well. When Tony finally spoke, his voice had gone hard and cruel, and it caught Steve off guard. “I’m just embarrassed to be seen in public with someone wearing _those_ clothes.” He gestured lazily at Steve’s shirt and pants.

Steve could feel the heat in his face intensify, but for a different reason this time. He had put a lot of thought into dressing nicely for the date, even though he didn’t think it would go anywhere. Sure, his clothes weren’t as fancy or expensive as Tony’s, but he liked them, and he felt good in them. With one sentence Tony had managed to make him feel ashamed and angry. Who was he judge anyway? 

He was suddenly very aware of the cameras focusing in on them, eager to catch every second of this hellish date. ‘God, what am I still doing here?’ he thought to himself. ‘Oh yeah, I’m basically letting Bucky whore me out on national television because I need to be able to eat and pay my electric bill this month. I can do this. I can get through this and collect the money and hope to whatever gods may be out there that no one from art school ever sees this episode.’

He swallowed what he wanted to say and picked up a menu, ignoring the cruel words. Steve pretended to read it, not really able to pay attention to anything printed on the page, and glanced around for a waiter. 

It was peculiar, the wait staff had been almost overbearing before Tony arrived, constantly refilling his water when he’d hardly drank any, asking if he was ready to order every few minutes. But ever since Tony arrived they’d been out of sight. Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen anyone who worked here come out from the kitchen for quite a while. That irritated him even more. He was starving, and if he was going to be forced to sit here for god knows how long, at least he could get some food while he was here.

Just as he was considering getting up to find a waiter, he heard Tony scoff and mutter under his breath, “Probably expect me to pay, don’t you? Just using me as a free meal ticket aren’t you?”

That made Steve’s blood boil. He was poor, yes, but his mama had raised him with manners and he had come fully prepared to offer to pay for Tony’s meal in addition to his own. He told Tony as much, his hands shaking as he gripped onto the cheap laminated menu. 

Tony looked up from examining his fingernails but didn’t reply. Steve’s words seemed to have surprised him, and he even looked a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I---” he started.

But before Tony could finish his sentence, Steve cut him off. “I know that this is hokey and weird, and that we’re both doing this to pay our bills, but I was having a really nice time with you, and I thought you were too. It seemed like we have a lot in common, despite having totally different career paths. You seemed genuinely nice and smart and funny. But it turns out you’re just an asshole. I should have trusted my first impression of you. I thought you were more than just the rich guy who shows up late and doesn’t deign to apologize for it, but I guess not. Now, I am gonna go find a waiter in this godforsaken restaurant and we are going to order food and finish this atrocious date, because there’s no way I’m letting you be the reason I can’t pay my bills this month.” Before Tony could reply, he stood up and strode towards the kitchen, intent on finding someone to take their order. 

He burst through the door, looking around frantically for someone who worked there. His eyes settled on a meek looking waitress who’d been texting on her phone, and he said, perhaps a little too forcefully, “My date and I are ready to order, please!” Her eyes went wide, and Steve felt a little guilty for startling her, but he was still high on the adrenaline of telling Tony off.

She followed him back to the table, which was now unoccupied. Tony was talking heatedly to one of the numerous production people, and it didn’t look like it was going well. He was clearly agitated and wasn’t liking whatever answer they were giving him. Steve planted himself firmly back into his chair, and could hear the metal legs straining against the weight of his muscles. He crossed his arms, and watched as Tony continued arguing in hushed tones with the glossy haired assissant who kept glancing anxiously at Steve. Tony was probably complaining to the show people about what he’d just said. Fine. Let him bitch and whine about Steve standing up for himself. He was pissed as hell that he’d let this guy treat him the way he had. And he was even more pissed because he’d been genuinely attracted to Tony before his sudden mood shift. He’d been hoping they could go out again, sans cameras and the at-home audience. 

The production assistant shook her head angrily, and Steve could hear Tony tell her, “I’m not fucking doing this any more! I was told all I had to do was show up late, pretend I was mildly bored and make sure the conversation was a little awkward. I wasn’t happy about it, but there was no way I was going to pass up that much money. This, however? This is just downright cruel! He’s a really nice guy, and he doesn’t deserve any of this! God, I hate myself that I let it get this far. No amount of money is worth fucking with someone’s head like this. I’m done. I’m done with your fucked up little game and I’m done being an asshole to a really sweet guy who has absolutely no clue what’s going on.”

And suddenly Tony was ripping something out of his ear, some kind of ear bud or hearing device, Steve couldn’t quite tell. He shoved the electronic piece into the assistant’s hand, and took off the mic pack they’d attached to him as well, dropping it to the ground with a loud clatter. 

The woman he’d been arguing with looked utterly shocked, and just stood there, staring at the earpiece in her hand. Tony turned on his heel and stalked over to the table Steve had returned to, panting a little, the tops of his ears and his cheeks had gone a deep shade of red.

“Hi, I don’t know how much of that you heard, but please know I am so so sorry for what I said earlier.” Tony was talking fast, almost too fast for Steve to follow, but he didn’t interrupt him to ask him to slow down. “This isn’t a dating documentary or whatever horseshit they told you. This is for that awful Disaster Date show, or whatever it’s called. I was supposed to be an intentionally bad date, and however long you stuck through the date was how much money you’d win at the end. I honestly had no clue it’d be like this. I guess that’s what I get for not researching what I’m signing up for, but I want to apologize for how I treated you. That wasn’t okay, and I feel awful that I let myself get blinded by how much money they kept offering me. Every time they told me to do or say something mean, they kept upping the cash prize, and like I said, I’m desperate to pay for school. That part was real, everything I told you about myself was real. But I couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t stand to hurt you like I was clearly doing. I’m so sorry, Steve.”

Tears were running down Tony’s face, and before Steve could respond, he bolted out the door, leaving Steve in shocked silence. He sat there for a few long moments, processing everything that had just happened, and then he stood up and followed after Tony. He could hear the show people scrambling to figure out what to do next, calling out his name in a sorry attempt to get him to come back, but he didn’t give them any attention.

Tony. He had to find Tony, had to talk to him about this. His mind was racing as he stepped onto the busy sidewalk. Where was Tony? He couldn’t have gone too far yet. He had to find him.  
Steve whirled around, thoughts racing as he tried to make sense of everything, when he heard a loud sniffling noise coming from an alleyway to his right. He found Tony there, just tucked in off the main sidewalk, crouched down low with his head in his hands. He was shaking and crying, and Steve instinctively crouched down next to him, rubbing his back soothingly.

“Hey, hey, Tony. Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay.” He tried to speak in a low soft voice, and he could feel Tony leaning into his touch. “I know that wasn’t really you back there, the mean stuff. I know you were just in over your head and felt like you didn’t have a choice. I understand, I felt the same way. Hey, hey, it’s okay, I promise.” He kept rubbing Tony’s back, and he realized that as bizarre as this whole situation had become, he really liked the feel of Tony’s body pressed against his. Their warmth melding together. Somehow holding Tony, comforting him felt totally natural, he didn’t have to question if he was doing the right thing. He knew without thinking too hard how to calm Tony down.

Tony’s sobbing had quieted, and though his breaths were still ragged, he seemed to be coming down from the panic attack he’d been having. He slowly turned to look up at Steve’s face, his brown eyes watery and wide. He hiccuped and took another deep breath, all the while Steve kept his palm firmly on Tony’s back, rubbing little circles. 

“So that was a fucking mess,” Tony sputtered out.

That made Steve burst out laughing, a throaty, deep sound that echoed in the alleyway. Tony gave him a shy smile, before cracking up as well. They laughed until they were panting for breath and leaned into each other, Steve feeling grateful for the solid weight of Tony’s body against him. It felt centering, grounding even.

Steve considered for a moment before saying, “How about we pretend we didn’t both just get conned into an awful situation because we’re desperate to pay our bills, and go have a normal date? We can start all over again and you can finish telling me about your arc reactor, which sounds absolutely amazing, by the way, and I can tell you about my asshole best friend who means well but has a funny way of showing it, and maybe on the next date we can go wander The Brooklyn Museum and you can try to convince me that contemporary art is more meaningful than the classics?” He stood and offered Tony his hand.

“Why would you want to go out with me after all that?”

Steve laughed again. “Admittedly, that was a pretty fucked up thing that just happened, but I know what it’s like to feel backed into a corner, like you have no options. I felt the same way in there, that’s why I stuck it out. Well, that and the fact that I was having a really great time with you until they started feeding you all that stuff you had to do and say in the headset. Plus I like to think I’m a pretty forgiving guy, and you clearly felt awful about it.” He paused, debating on whether he wanted to include the next part. “And, it’s been like 3 years since I had a date, let alone anyone I liked, and as much as I do enjoy spending Saturday nights binge watching tv and cuddling with my cat, sometimes it would be nice to have an actual person to binge watch those shows with.” He smiled sweetly at Tony, who accepted his outstretched hand, and pulled Tony up to stand next to him. He didn’t let go of Tony’s hand as they walked back onto the sidewalk. It was warm and much lighter than his own, and he found that it fit perfectly.

So maybe this blind date had been a disaster after all, and he was totally gonna make Bucky cough up the money he would have earned for putting him through that, but he’d met a really interesting guy, who’d felt awful about the things he’d been talked into doing. And besides, this would make a really great story to tell about how they got together. 

Steve leaned into Tony’s touch as they debated where to go for their first date, version 2.0. ‘Not such a disaster after all,’ he thought to himself.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Fanart of a date with disaster (or, the time steve essentially whored himself out on national tv to pay his rent)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20367118) by [fictionforlife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionforlife/pseuds/fictionforlife)




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